HAPPY TIMES

c’est la vie (redux)

Alas, I have lost a friend. First comes shock, then comes horror, following with sorrow, ending with mourning. In my grief I thought to myself about all that has happened, and concluded that it’s impossible to revive what has already died. 

So I move on, with a trudge in my step. A Scout smiles and whistles under all circumstances.

Amidst the wandering and the gallivanting of the past few months, I’ve learnt an important lesson about life. One must learn to be alone, yet not feel lonely. When alone, one is forced to seek companionship from inside. One learns to amuse oneself, and to teach oneself new things. Being alone helps you to recognize that indeed you can be your own best friend. This is because you know what makes you laugh, and you know what makes you happy. 

Being alone makes you more in tune with your surroundings. Without the need to invest one’s attention in another person, one is able to observe one’s surroundings with greater clarity. The people who walk past, what they wear, how they smell, what they say, are all interesting things that one misses out on when with company. Your senses are much more keen when you aren’t bothered about what to say next, what joke to tell, or what facial expression to make. Your food tastes much more nuanced, and your eyes see things that you had never seen before. Your ears learn to appreciate music in a manner different from how it is usually done while traveling. Being alone helps you to see the world for how beautiful it can really be. And what is life without beauty, if not more than an endless cycle of pain and suffering? To be able to sit in posh surroundings, enjoying breakfast at dusk, and enjoying the view; that is a moment to treasure. 

I must admit, though, I am still getting used to it. I still yearn for company most of the time. But I’m getting there. Someday, I hope I can fully enjoy myself with myself, and smile at the world in all its glory.

Young LKY

“But we either believe in democracy or we don’t. If we do, then, we must say categorically, without qualification, that no restraint from the any democratic processes, other than by the ordinary law of the land, should be allowed… If you believe in democracy, you must believe in it unconditionally. If you believe that men should be free, then, they should have the right of free association, of free speech, of free publication. Then, no law should permit those democratic processes to be set at nought, and no excuse, whether of security, should allow a government to be deterred from doing what it knows to be right, and what it must know to be right… ” - Lee Kuan Yew, Legislative Assembly Debates, April 27, 1955

“Repression, Sir is a habit that grows. I am told it is like making love-it is always easier the second time! The first time there may be pangs of conscience, a sense of guilt. But once embarked on this course with constant repetition you get more and more brazen in the attack. All you have to do is to dissolve organizations and societies and banish and detain the key political workers in these societies. Then miraculously everything is tranquil on the surface. Then an intimidated press and the government-controlled radio together can regularly sing your praises, and slowly and steadily the people are made to forget the evil things that have already been done, or if these things are referred to again they’re conveniently distorted and distorted with impunity, because there will be no opposition to contradict.” -Lee Kuan Yew as an opposition PAP member speaking to David Marshall, Singapore Legislative Assembly, Debates, 4 October, 1956

It’s fascinating how much can change with time.

serendipity

I finally got around to figuring out why I loved you.

And I use the word ‘loved’ very loosely, because I know that no matter how hard I try to deny it, there will always be a place for you in my heart. Yet, I can’t say it, I can’t tell the stories that I used to tell. Because I know that when I do, that’s when I plunge myself back into the abyss that is the past. 

Ironically, it’s only when I’m sober and detached from those turbulent emotions of yesteryear that I finally am able to dissect my feelings for you. Their origins remain obscure, though. But that’s the way it is, right? You can never pre-empt these things. That’s why they call it ‘falling’ in love, and not ‘enrolling’ in love or ‘walking into a McLovin’ and ordering an upsized portion of love’. 

Your charm stems from how big of a personality you are. Yes, one hell of a personality indeed. So lively, emotional, dramatic, and full of surprises. You keep an open-mind, and accept all that comes your way. You’re opinionated, yet try to understand at the same time. And I love that. You’re great to talk to, and you’re one of the few who would actually be interested in all I have to say. And that’s just what we all need, right? Someone to listen, someone to respond, someone to complete us. 

And I do hope that one day, I’ll find someone who can live up to that mold, that impression you’ve left on my heart. Till that day, I await with bated breath. 

no title

I wish I had something poetic to write. Something worth reading again next time. Something of value. But I don’t. I can’t seem to describe how I’m feeling now. 

Except, maybe, ‘distraught’. Deeply upset and agitated. Yes, I’m distraught. And it’s not because of anybody. It’s just that familiar feeling of self-doubt and self-loathing that has crept up on me again. I feel worthless, spineless, and useless. Known by many, remembered by none. 

My mind is overflowing with regret. I wish I had the answers from the start, and had done everything right. I wish I had said the right things, walked the right way, talked the right way. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be caught in this rut. Maybe then, I would not be feeling this way. 

They say that life is a continuous learning experience. But if learning is so painful and so meaningless, I’d rather not live. And thus begins my slow descent into the tormented mindscape of yesteryear

Word of the day

Bacchanalia

Think and be free

A friend once quipped that if you don’t use your brain for long enough, it turns to coconut water. I wish that people in this society will stop being so trusting and so willing to believe what seems to be so believable. A quick browse through online portals and social media gives one a rough idea of the Singaporean psyche. And damn, son, it sure smells like coconut water to me.

Our minds are like parachutes: they work best when open. Oftentimes, I see Singaporeans that are closed-minded and therefore ignorant and insensitive. Yes, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being conservative, or being traditional, but there is something horribly disturbing when people cannot defend their beliefs. They are simply regurgitating what they have been taught, what they have been fed since their youth. All the old expectations, old customs, old sayings, repeated and redone and repeated and redone with no reason given whatsoever. It is as if we are a nation that does not think and does not feel. 

Society changes, generations behave differently. It would be so much better if, instead of pointing fingers and condemning and insulting, our countrymen are able reach out and try to understand the plight of the wayward, the destitute, and the poor. Instead of continually slapping labels and clucking tongues and furrowing brows, why don’t we just take a moment to think and ponder? Perhaps, then, it’d be easier to understand everyone.

cheers

It’s been a really tough year. I’ve been assaulted on all fronts; mental, physical, emotional. Best to take away a few lessons to make the coming year a better one.

1. I must accept that I am not superman, that I have many flaws and limitations that I will have to work with and slowly overcome.

I spent the better part of this year feeling upset and drained, daunted by everyday challenges and relationships with others. I felt like I was constantly sinking, yet still remaining afloat through constant struggling.

I repeatedly put myself down, expecting better and telling myself that I can always do more. It doesn’t work that way. It’s impossible to run on 1 hour of sleep and still expect to perform. It’s impossible to do your best when you’ve only had 1 meal for the day. 

In the end I wasted a lot of time feeling frustrated and upset instead of resting and preparing for the next lap. In 2012, I must keep this in mind.

2. I musn’t always try to force my expectations.

I don’t know what to make of myself. Chasing after dreams, always trying to catch fire in my hand. The combustion never fails to consume me, my soul, and my sanity. I’m always trying to find and make meaning out of a meaningless existence. They say that faith can let you walk on water, that belief can allow you to give up your life, that for freedom one can sacrifice all, that for love one would travel to the ends of the earth. Yet all these are mere empty barrels to me. All I hear are clanging cymbals and tinkling bells. I’m only propelled forward by sordid, lofty dreams of material and lustful gains. These dreams often collapse in hails of fire and brimstone.

All I truly desire is to love and be loved in return. If only it wasn’t so hard, like plodding over coals and hot glass.

A piece of prose written in a half-drunk state revealed everything about what I thought deep inside me. Thoughts that I’m always too scared to confront. In 2012, I will learn to be sincere and prudent in my actions and behaviour, relying less on force and more on fate when it comes to things like love.

Which brings me nicely to another important point.

3. I shouldn’t be a cynic.

Farewell Assembly gave me a very important lesson to take with me for the rest of my life. Don’t forget to love. Indeed, considering that all of us are damaged and imperfect, flawed creatures, love is the only thing we have that makes us noble. And this year, I did a lot of loving. Love that was not always reciprocated. Niceness that was not always met with niceness in return. At times I considered giving up and retreating into myself. But I could never bring myself to do that. 

And that is a good thing. I will never stop being helpful and caring. In fact, I will try harder to. Expecting nothing in return. In 2012, I will not forget to love.

It’s a dangerous thing to love. You give your all, and are supposed to expect nothing in return. You can’t control who you fall in love with. You can carve in stone all the mystical qualities that you are looking for, yet with the twinkle of the eye, a wink, a blink, and a turn of the head, your stone turns to dust and you’re on your knees, begging. You beg and you plead, only to gain nothing more than a momentary, fleeting sign of affection. Love cheats and robs. It beats and kicks to the ground. Yet, love also sustains and love also empowers. 

Love in terrifying, paralyzing, yet hauntingly beautiful at the same time. 

The only way is forward.